Showing posts with label randomness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label randomness. Show all posts


­When I was a little girl I had my own theories about the world as I knew it. One thing I was firm about, we lived on the inside of the earth as geography called it, the mantle. Someone had already told me that the earth was round so strike out the option of it being a planar surface. So, the only other conclusion was that the earth was made of concentric spheres. There was a core, the land we lived on and the blue sky with empty space between the land and the space, the universe where everything flew.
The sky was of two hemispheres – one with holes- the stars and the other with a huge round lamp that changed its colour from orange – yellow to white, widely known as the Sun. The sky rotated about an axis as my geography teacher told me but the land stayed still. If the land rotated, I’d have known right! It did move once a while and we named it earthquake! Outside the world was bright white light – whose source I didn’t really give much of a thought about.
The night side of the sky had holes of multiple sizes one big hole that had some dirt on it; I guess God hadn’t had time to clean the glass. And numerous other small holes that kept twinkling.
I also believed that the airplanes could fly through the little holes at night and go to the other countries or may be visit the God but not the birds ‘cause they were pretty huge for the size of the holes... Aliens with green skin and huge poppy eyes lived there in those other countries outside! I’ve spend so many hours wondering how small would those people in the airplanes be, were they smaller than the people on TV or the ones that hid inside my radio? I thought maybe, just maybe the sky was made of glass, tinted blue –dark and light.
Sometimes the sphere leaked or cracked causing thunderstorms. My grandmother tried convincing me that it was the Gods taking a shower or bursting firecrackers. I used to laugh at how naïve she sounded; I mean come on, how stupid is that!
The other theory was that the stars were little lights that hung from the sky and the twinkling was because there was a power shortage!
This one time I was lying down on the terrace at my grandparents and couldn’t figure out what that falling star was. They were just, some birds bumping into one of the strings making one of the stars to sway and fall. Ah, the poor thing!
The clouds, they were the smoke that gets out of the little airplanes that fly. It made me go like, “Oh golly, look at the size of those things!” looking at them and making recognizable shapes of people, things and animals!
The day I experienced my first hailstorm, I was thinking, may be grandma was right; God's probably having a party up there and ice cubes are falling ;)
I’ve always had a thing for the skies and stars and since the beginning of time as I’ve known it, I've spent hours lying down on the cold floor of my terrace wondering if someone from the other worlds (continents) outside the earth was lying down on the terrace n wondering about the same thing as me.
Before I could finalize on the theory education somehow managed to ruin me and I was forced to believe that we lived on the surface and somehow didn’t fall off it because of some strange sticky thing called gravity.



The human brain is so fast it can process information seen by the eyes, bring some wanted and unwanted nostalgic scenarios, memories back in and project the vivid picture in your head. Science may call it cognition. Genuinely, I don’t actually care what science has to say, cause science can’t reason out the million memories that are played in a loop in my head within a moment’s time.

Dave and Kia walked towards the smoking zone downstairs. He sat down on the stone hedge, took a deep drag of his cigarette. Noticing, Kia was still standing, he inched towards the edge, making space for her to sit down next to him. Not even a moment passed since, the movement made his shirt to slip a bit off his neck, revealing his thin frame at the shoulder blade and his collar bone.  Flash! Collar bone…

Collar bone, ah! She’s in a bus to the city, Greg  stood right there, opposing her, the bus was crowded. He exhibited a warm smile as he spoke of some experiences to the other guy who had joined them. His  Stories; random enough to make her eyes linger over his smile, his lips. His voice in the background, his smile so bright, she thought, 'he is obviously glad that I am there with him this moment'. She pondered over his smile… Flash!

She was with a friend Sam, at this juice shop at a pavement in Bangalore, waiting for their sandwiched to arrive. A cute, short, smart looking guy with thick black retro glasses (must be in his 20s, She thought to herself) walks into the pavement and to the juice shop, inquires about a shake mentioned in the menu-card  Sharjah Shake… Flash!

Class 11, Mrs. Srimathi, the commerce teacher was standing in the middle of the aisle, talking about the advertisements of TV these days, the target they choose and how witty they are. Suddenly, she drifts off into what she had for dinner with her husband the previous night, impervious to the irritated reaction the class made, she went on and on about this new shake that hotel Aaryas, just in close proximity to the school’s back gate has started offering, she was insisting they all tried it… and it was called, sharjah shake…
“Sharjah shake has chikku and banana with milk”, said the juice wala in his unadulterated heavy mallu accent. The cute guy, obviously disgusted with the abnormal combination walked away. She let out a scornful sigh and resumed her trivial conversation with Sam. In about a couple of minutes, the cute guy walks in again, enticing her all over again, ordered a cold coffee. He stood there sipping on it unaware of a girl stealing glances at him. Her friend obviously disturbed by the fact that her attention was diverted to a stranger sipping onto coffee in a fresh fruit stall, casually asked her, “So, you notice that guy there?”. The sudden impugnation startled her and a shocked “uh?” escaped Kia’s lips, involuntarily. Sam smiled, and repeated, “you notice the guy there?”. Sam and Kia were close enough for her to reveal all her silly little fantasies, so she blurted out, “yeah! He’s kinda cute!”. What she didn't expect was that Sam would get up and walk to the cute guy. Before she realized the stupidity of her blunt statement, his hands were around the cute guy’s shoulder and they had an inaudible animated conversation. To add to her terror, they were looking at her as they spoke. Sam and the cute guy walk up to her, and the cute guy puts his hand out in a gesture of a handshake and says, “Hi! I’m Greg, Sam’s schoolmate from eighth standard”.  He sat down with them, filling up the 8 years in exile with stories and gossips. Kia had a bus to catch that night and she had plans for dinner with Sam at his place. She suggested they push off and Sam gestured a bye to Greg.  Kia looked at Greg, it was indeed nice to meet him and she had to say that. Before she could work up the courage to do so, he extended his hand again and said, “nice meeting you” and gave a broad smile at her. It all happened so quick that she couldn't process her thoughts, words slipped out of her mouth and they sounded something like, “Would you like to join us?” He said sure and threw another one of his strong astras at her, His smile…

His smile, she knew he was glad to see her in Mumbai and that he did know how glad she was too. He adjusted his hand over the rods railed to the roof of the bus and as he did, his shirt slid away a little, exposing his collar bone. Her eyes moved down from his lips to the collar bone, lingered over there a while too long and by the time she realized, his eyes were on her.  She looked up unaware of the audience in the crowded bus and they spoke, not a word uttered but message neatly conveyed through the eyes. Through the night, she carefully dropped each of her cards one after the other and finally to a, “Yes, I’m not too far from falling for you…” he smiled, because he read them all in perfect coherence.  Now that they were clear, she went on with concentrating on more pushing things of the moment, his fingers intertwined with hers under the table.

Dave, took another deep drag and asked her,” So what are you working on right now?”  She drifted back to normalcy and as if nothing happened, started discussing routines and plans for the weekend!




None's written a poem for him he said... well, I'm glad I got to be your first! ;)
This isn't something one would get welled up reading, But this one's for and of you, nonetheless!

The door cracks open,
Dust and splinters, carpeting the floor.
The glass panels all in a downpour,
The shattered crystals shining in a gazillion
I look up through tears, the bottom of soda bottle and mumble,
Sir, you've walked in at the wrong time,
The Bar is closed!

Warm smile, inconspicuous looks
Smart and witty, just the way he should
Must be a drug dealer in disguise, I thought,
Charmer, of some sort
I take a stance, whoever he might be -
Sir, you've walked in at the wrong time,
The Bar is closed!

He takes a step further, Cool, Poised and Calm.
Sits down by the wrecks, and starts to read my palm.
His grip tight, his smile so warm, perfect.
If some looks could kill, this would resurrect!
His words were like magic, I stutter,
Sir… Sir, you've walked in at the wrong time,
The Bar is closed!

“Devastation tiling itself stout, in gloom,
Splinters of dreams piercing onto the new, making it trivial,
And right now, a support to stand by, is all I consider crucial -
To help repair the damage, bring life back to normal, at least, almost”

You’re not the support sir, you’re a mere drug.
The custom mix sort, you’d still get me weary.
You’re a drug that eases the pain, but doesn't cure any,
Killing me some day, fraternizing in my blood.
And about that someday, I’d skip thinking as much as I could.
Still, Sir, you've walked in at the wrong time,
The Bar is closed, for renovation!

I smile, looking hopeful Nonetheless,
“Now if you might close the door behind
Sir, You could work your magic in here. Us, combined!”





Well, ‘I live in-between those mystifying moments of life. Walking through bottlenecks and Jumping to conclusions’ Is that all I’ve done? No!
‘I’ve always lived my life like a clause, changing as time defies, rejecting and relenting’ and ofcourse repenting!” *sigh*

She’s not able to move forward, there are words in her mind but they just won’t let themselves flow. She thought probably they are just as scared as her. But they had no reason to be, it was her who was writing and it shall be her who’s blamed  and not his words! “Well another day of staring at a blank page”, she thought and sipped on her now-almost-cold-coffee.
Living alone has its own pros and cons. But who said she was living alone? To an outsider or even her family and friends, it was quite obvious that she was but she knew she wasn’t. Him, he was living with her in her mind always. She kept changing his name, not because she wanted his to be like someone she just recently met but because it actually is and is bound to change. She named his name a part of hers, and then found out that it was quite common and so after being that name for over 7 years, or even more she doesn’t remember, she changed his, to another and then another and so on that even she forgets his name once in a while and changes it again! He’s been there for way too long now, even she doesn’t remember since when. People go through the phase of having imaginary friends and get over it. But her, she finds it offensive to call him imaginary. She just did not understand the logic behind how something so vivid, be called imaginary.
He’d make sure she isn’t alone neither bored, he talks to her when the movie gets a bit draggy or a friend takes a while longer to reach, when she’s walking down an empty lane at the middle of the night or when she can’t sleep at the dead of the night. Sometimes she has even taken time off to listen to him, explaining her something and then get back to reality. Oh wait what am I saying, he was her reality and the others were just mere maya. He was her best friend, her mentor, inspiration and most of all he was a part of her and was all hers to relish.
Sometimes she’d be caught staring at some guy not because he’s hot or handsome but because she’s been thinking if that’s how he looks. She’s not the kind of girl who checks out guys, she mostly checks out girls. No! I know what you’re thinking… she’s not that either! She finds a guy attractive for his intellect and believes that not all hot looking guys are smart and witty. Then why does she stare at girls? Does she rate her looks in comparison to them? Or is she jealous of their prettiness? Well she won’t tell you! The truth is that she doesn’t know it herself. She fell in and out of love too many times for over half a decade, he didn’t have a problem with that. She isn’t too old and she has her whole life laid out in front of her and he helped her draw an open ended map so she’s free to choose!
Both of them knew he had to go, someday and never knew when. She kept procrastinating and every time she did she laughed that her mind worked just like a government with fake promises and redtapism. She was just not ready and he, he felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body, quite literally though! When he’s asleep which his almost never, she’d just wish that she met a guy just like him and then let go of him, which never happened!
She grew tired of the search, in fondness of solitude she shut herself from everyone and dissolved her dreams with him, fooling him to believe she’d become one with him she flew back in time searching for where he came from and viciously tried erasing him. Little did she know, that erasing him would erase half her world, all of her dreams and most of her memories.  She tried calling them back but they were gone, forever and are now replaced with just the longing, the longing to be with him. She tried and tried but could not delete him! She had eraser everything but him and him was all she knew now.
The world now calls her a patient of schizophrenia, little did she care because they both know, they’re living a life that she had dreamt of, always ever since her childhood and never grew tired of it. Not even after she was laid immobile under the bushes of pink and white bougainvillea. She could see herself there but it wasn’t her body anymore it lay there under the tresses of twigs and mud. She was confused and wanted to know what went wrong, why was she not there in her body and for the first time she felt his hand on her shoulder she knew it was him, how? She doesn’t know but she was very sure. She turned around looked at him for the first time and he greeted her with a warm smile and said, “I’m glad you’re here”.


I’m not all that pretty to look,
But for all you know, they say,
You shouldn’t judge by the cover of the book.

I can be very irritating at all times,
But there’s no rule that the person knows
That he or she is the one to be blamed.
I just say I’m way too inquisitive.

I don’t realize either of the facts,
Neither the beauty nor the irritating part.
To me I’m just as pretty as everyone else
And I walk around seeking attention that
I believe I deserve
Frankly, I don’t feel guilty of doing this,
Unless you keep reminding me to be.

The other day, A taxi driver caught me staring at him. Why was I staring at him? Because, something about him intrigued me. He was looking at himself in the rear view mirror, just the way I used to stare at myself, at the blank screen of my LCD, the mirror, my phone’s display when it is turned off. Did I say I used to? Correction – I still do, and I love doing that. Ok back to the story, he wasn’t particularly handsome or anything, I neither found his features angular and symmetric nor his skin tone very pleasing. But still he was looking at himself as if he were looking at a statue made of Swarovski crystals or something. No, I don’t blame him. Everybody has some pleasing features, some are gifted with a couple of them and very few have not more than one imperfection and that’s whom we consider handsome or pretty. For him he was good to look at, or that’s what I made myself believe. But why was I staring at him? I have his habit – I see something and start thinking and my eyes pause and cease to move. Not very often do I realise that I’m staring at someone before they notice. This time was no exception, yes he looked at me and gave a smile, and that gave me an uncanny feeling, my defensive sense was gushing to action to let him know that “dude no! I’m not checking you out”. And that definitely was strong; my head just involuntarily turned to the other side like the release of a coiled spring and by then my face had shifted from the ‘I’m thinking’ expression to a frown. By then it was too late, he was smiling at me. How did I know? You might ask. Well, I was seeing from the corner of my eye. I love grabbing attention and don’t quite know the next step. The taxi was on the roadside and I was in an auto which was stuck in traffic. The traffic cleared my auto moved on but the thought was still pondering in my head.
Does everyone, regardless of their shape, size and colour, think they’re pretty or good to look at? Then why is it that I believe deep inside that I am ugly or wait is that not too deep inside that I feel ugly? Well, its not just about me in here. Does everyone believe they are beautiful?  (Note: this is the first time I wrote beautiful)
I even asked a friend about this, and I don’t quite remember if they actually answered it at all. So I made myself believe that everyone thinks they are good looking in their own ways and that there is nothing wrong in believing that and it doesn’t cost you a thing!

Coy was a student, but with no intentions to study. He was 17 but still in school and he desperately needed someone, someone to talk to, to hold on to, to hug and cuddle and to cry when he remembers his mom whose place has been filled by his dad's personal Cruela, basically, he needed a girlfriend. Being the kind of person he is he was pretty sure he wouldn't get a girlfriend in real life (I appreciate this realization) so, he goes on chatting with random women online on this site named Hikut, a chat platform which brings anonymous people together. One day he meets Lola, a bubbly 16 year old who just got a new computer with an internet connection and she wanted to explore the whole world of the internet (she was way too experimental and inquisitive for her age). She was from an all-girls school in cotton-city and made sure no one came to know that she has not met much of men of her age in her life except for a few neighbors who she shyly says a “Hi” to and her cousins who are busy wrestling with each other thinking they were the great Rock and Big-show of WWF. In a couple of months' time she'd pass out of school and had her wings ready to take a flight to pursue her passion for arts. One thing that Lola got au naturel was flirting. She would flirt and create sparks of love in every Tom, Dick and Harry's heart as if it was her birth right and Coy was not an exception to this play.
And one fine day after a real long period of being friends with Lola, that would be in 3days, he asks her out. He still has this one picture of hers on his desktop, which she had sent the first day they started talking on Hikut. Later the same day they moved into a private chat on msn and then to gtalk and yahoo and sooner they had each other on all the possible IM lists. On the second day he asks her for her number and calls her up on her home number and from then on, they talk everyday rather every night. By the end of the first month he knew everything about her, at-least what she knew about herself and found all her actions cute and adorable.
They got used to the whole scene of not being able to meet they spoke so much they knew everything about each other and after discussing their chores for the day both don’t have anything to say and let the silence talk. Not very long until the silence got boring and they started conversing as lovers often do and found pleasure even with miles in-between them. Coy's sister, Pallavi used to advice Lola not to be in a relationship with Coy as he had unstable emotions and was a potential danger to the society. But Lola just turned a deaf ear to Pallavi and her rants. She thought Pallavi was just jealous or possessive or just a plain vamp in her life.

She was so into him that she was starting to dream of going to Marata, where Coy used to stay, for her graduate studies. "If not arts then probably commerce or anything of that kind", she convinced herself. That was when, Bitsy, Lola's best friend brought her back on the ground and reminded her about her real dream of pursuing arts. Bitsy hated the way Coy was controlling her life, and even more he was older than her and would be in school for another year after Lola would have passed out. Lola consulted Coy, he thought it was for her own good and agreed upon not being able to meet her for another 4 years. She joined a residential college and got busy with all the adrenalin rushes, bursting creativity and a whole lot of new people especially men. In a few weeks’ time Lola used to forget to call back Coy if he has called when she was in class. In a month she fought with Coy over a million times about the silliest things that she earlier used to think were the cutest characters of him. She sat back and relaxed after each fight to review on what went wrong. She loved Coy the most at one point now she can’t even stand his voice, she was trying to reason it and at one point she couldn't find a single reason to be in a relationship with Coy. She called up Bitsy to seek her advice and this time whatever she said made total sense, she found all of Pallavi's words true too. It wasn't just because of Coy's inadmissible behavior that she wanted to break up with him, but also because she was falling in love again this time, to someone real and vivid, with flesh and blood and her heart thumps when he comes closer to her or even when he says a Hi with a warm smile she felt as if the sun was getting warmer, She got tingles and her skin rose in goose bumps when his hand accidentally brushes by hers. His name was Punk and he was 4 years elder to her, and is not handsome or charming or anything of that sort. Actually if you meet him the first thing that'd come on your mind is a garden lizard. But it didn't matter to Lola; she was a firm believer of love is blind and was least bothered about how he looked, because she wasn't a great looker herself.

At this point, if Coy would have called she would easily have asked who he is and that's what she did too. Every minute with Punk, Coy stared seeming so unreal and imaginary - not in the nice dreamy way but more of a nightmarish way. She stopped visiting Hikut, changed her Ids in all the IM services, deactivated most of them and finally changed her phone number and persuaded her parents to change their residence number too.

Meanwhile Coy's stepmother Cruela had made Pallavi's life un-livable, and pushed to the state of committing suicide. He was upset when he got to know their father played a massive role in the whole plot of killing Pallavi and was arrested by the cops along with his beloved wife. Now Coy was alone with his step brother Coyer and wanted Lola back so badly. He emailed her on the address she never checked and even mailed Bitsy his plead to want to talk to Lola. He signed the last line saying, "Lola would never let me down".

By the time Lola came to know the whole story she was in and out of a very brief relationship with Punk. She spoke to him again from her old ID consoled him and was almost convinced to go back in a relationship with him. But it was too late she had grown out of the naive sweet girl that she was in school, she'd been hurt, quenched, mellowed and harnessed by the outcomes of the relationship with Punk which ended the same way as she had ended hers with Coy. Coy still loved her and so did she, love Punk. It was easier for Coy, he never met her ever, neither in the past nor will he in the future. She saw Punk every day and wished she would die.

Punk nearly killed her, his words, ripped apart each of her flesh inch by inch, got on her nerves and crushed it to the last bit along with her self-esteem and with the leftovers of it he drove her crazy to a dark corner and punctured her soul on the nails of karma. Grass grew around the tomb stone on her grave that said R.I.P
She resurrected and started a new life, but it would never be the same as the old one as the reminiscent of the past failed relationship still haunts her till this very minute.

Hikut is real and so are Coy, Lola and the others. I am Lola and Lola is nothing but a dream. Bitsy, Pallavi, Coy, Punk and all other dreams died with her, and so did the entire universe as if it was flushed down the kitchen sink, down the drain...


One who has walked through the tunnel of light would be able to respond to me in coherence... irony is something that still reminds me i'm alive!

Is life just the distance between the two points birth and death?
and whats that which is said, Death and beyond?
do you earn love just to teach,
how to miss when i'm gone?
how to cry, how to get devoid,
how to just, learn to kill myself
to give up the life, where you are nowhere.

sometimes i think I'm religious,
and the rest, I'm sure of being an atheist with a spiritual face.
but if god does exist, can't he give a 3 month notice before taking life.
says one part of my wandering mind,

the other part believes, if its sure to be death,
be it uninformed, be it random but...
why not give it swifter and in moments puff you reach the light,
no more walking slowly, advancing with painful little leaps to the end of the tunnel
where the angels or the demons,
wait for you with wishes or curses...

death has always been and will be a fascinating topic to discuss upon...
but not like today,
when i see a man with his leg twisted lying under the tyre tracks,
his legs are contorted?? why?? oh yeah i know now (as i take a glance on the other side of his dead body)... his intestine or whatever they are are already out there lying under the tyres, with blood and he has a blank reaction on his face, neither pain nor the suffering of it... he is dead, even before he realized. he must have flown through the tunnel for sure..!

a little lift that acts funny?? No... this ain't no time for funny lift fictions (though this lift sure does act funny at times, or rather strange... i should stop beating around the bushes... atleast here, Today!!)
This post is about funny little conversations that happen inside a considerably large lift (one that can hold 26 persons on god knows what weight would fall into this category??)
I study in PSG, yeah a couple of software courses and i'm one of the luckiest i could enter into THE (not any random) engineering college (being an arts student pursuing design).
These guys have a lift at the Y block, the 3rd floor is where my class is. And its practically 'tough' (not impossible) to climp all the way to the 3rd floor avoiding all the wary glances of the nerds and the wanna be guys and girls and their 'butler' ingileess (english as they say it) and me being someone who doesn't look familiar, and no, i can't be a fresher! And so I prefer the lift, and the conversation of the students which probably had started when the lecturer went off or while waiting for the Lift would continue inside the lift. The ones who got in at the 3rd floor have a topic running and the ones that join from the second have different ones and in addition to the ones that join from the first year, Sometimes one could make out stories out of the words that come out from differnt gangs and that could possible turn out to be what one could term as a perverse storyteller..!!
This being the only little enjoyment at this point of time... how could one not laugh when you are at the groundfloor and the people think... who is this nutcrak??

Im too fast now
everything ahead of me is red... dangerous?
and everything on my 'right' is brightest white that i cant see through !
and who's beside me? an alien??
i wonder as he merges into one of the reds...
i search for a change a change to turn n merge into one of the whites..
a seem to be safer resort.
and yeah i did get a way i took a 'U' merging myself into the bright whites...
aliens again beside me
and its all red again ahead of me...
i realized i'm always white on the face and read on the rear...
i laughed at my stupidity, courteously and took another you...


well night driving on the road could be so much fun. =D

His name is nitish, he's small, cute and adorable and Intuitive!
whenever me or dad go on to our bike or when mom walks out through the gates, he says.. "hi" and we say Hi...and then he'll be like... "where are you going?"... we'd say.. the location..and then the next questions "why do you need to go??". That put me into trouble for the first time.
Too often when i go somewhere i know where i'm going and how and how long its gonna take, but my real necessity for going there remains unknown to me. A lot of times, we are unaware of the real reason for doing somethings. Haven't we been doing things out of compulsion, you still have no idea nor any regret but keep doing it monotonously without any Reason to do it??
So what? we still do the same now... decades past... like i dont really know why i write blogs, take quiz on facebook!

me n mom were just leaving home...
i was waiting for her in my usual pose, sitting on the dio, hands folded on the speedo, that was when the boy from the groundfloor, nitish (appu) i suppose.. shouted out through the netted window.. his eyes sparkling with enthusiasm, (he just loves it when my mom goes on a walk!!), "where are you going aunty??" in his typical kid's tamil. It struck me for a moment.. did he just ask where i am going? is he supposed to ask that? isn't it considered to be inauspicious that way?

Well.. these thoughts just took a second to pass by...actually not even a second just a fraction, but the thought of why is still haunting me.
Is it just because someone had adviced me not to ask anyone where they are going, because they believed it was inauspicious and that the task that they are going would not turn out successful. Is it so deeply etched in my mind that it takes me away for a moment and lets me back, its fascinating the way mind works. BUT WHY is it so complicated to understand?

there is something in about life.. thats intoxicating me...
pullin me further..

Making me live.,..!!!

I'm a parasite,
Unlike one that drinks up your blood.. i suck up your trust to me...make you trust me.. hold your hand in moments you need.. and in turn.. you be my sidekick.. you love me for what i am...I show you dreams in your gazy eyes.... dreams of long term friendship and Love....a thincker silverlining in your clouds of dreams.....puffs of clouds on every line...taking you...making you feel.. your dreams come true... thats all cause, I NEED YOU..!!!

Days go by....I turn bored of you....time to search for a new host....your blood starts tasting bitter....familiarity ruins the thrill...unsaid, uninformed..i walk away....leaving you weep in despair..."whose mistake was it afterall". You think its you....i say not a word...you conclude its you...or perhaps sadistically, console yourself that it was me.. but why..?? You never know.... or perhaps would never be able to understand....

Am i selfish....is that only me?
Or is it possible that everyone is but none did realize they were?
why did i have to talk about it then..?? what made me realize the truth behind every act i did...the reason for everything i did do and will be doing is right there within me.... and how did ONE person bring that out....what made me open to share.. what made me realize myself....Is that love for myself.. or love for my fellow human beings' FLESH and more... that makes them.. "them"!!

..."I just came out from your studio... you were no where to be seen in the campus since morning...where were you??" he said.... swiveling his pen drive pivoted in his long fingers...and added... "You know my concepts got approved...I just love them...!” slowly shifting his glace down towards me, he for the first time noted, "What are you doing exactly??" I was doing something more than just listening....something down under..."fidgeting with your shoe laces...?"

I frowned... "Just trying to get it right...I'm too bad at this...!" still, not looking at his face.
"Let me help you" he came down and finished the work in factions of seconds... something I was struggling to do for the past five minutes perhaps.

Suddenly I heard a tune up surging from the background where it seemed to have merged all this while....a fusion mix...perhaps a familiar tune...which my mind seized to recognize... I looked at his eyes, wondering, "Guess.... your phone's ringing...."

He stared at me as he shoved in, his hand into one of his pant pockets... and frowned... "NO!!", "may be... yours". He gave an irked look making me feel more confound...

Before I could let a word in dismay, I could feel my hands quiver wit my mobile on my hand....something strange happened... I could feel the earth vibrating...in a rhythm... that matched the tune that became more prominent now...more emphatic and very much obtrusive.
The whole surrounding seemed to blur and darken...and the vibration on my head...more like... Under one ear...I clamped my ears in my palms and tightened my eyes' closure...a fear....an impeccable commotion in my brain...causing me a head ache...

I so totally had forgotten him...and bravely to confront that annoyance I opened my eyes with enormous effort, to find him nowhere around now... 'twas just a few laundry clothes...tables with books...an empty cot and perfectly made bed...and my phone's alarm still buzzing under my pillow...and I lie....flat on my stomach on my cot...!!

I pulled it out to snooze it and checked it was 5.00am...and it was still dark outside...
I strive hard to keep my eyes open... but the shutter was automatic....!

There was a tug off war between me and my sleep, for the next few minutes..... sleep won.... and I, closed my windows to the world again to transcend to a graceful sleep.... just until...the turmoil started all over again...but this time... a different tune altogether... 'twas mom, waking me up... I promised that I’d be up in a few minutes and hung-up. I realized it was 5.30 already… antagonizing the fleet of time...and with no other way out...I woke up...walking like an insomniac to the rest rooms....and the auto-shutter stopped its collision as I splashed water.... I wondered if man was just another mechanism that desists with water....and off I go...spurting through my chores of the day...

Deepthi told me...write what you think about yourself... jus gave it a try.... hmm.. 'm more interesting than i thought i am..!!!

read these to see the world through my eyes.
Well, thats' not gonna make any difference......

I like people being themselves.I like being myself.I like chocolates.I like ice-cream.I like adventures.I like cold coffee.i like cold coffee topped with cream.i like froth.i like fizzzzz.I like talking.I like talking a lot.I like talking to strangers.I like making friends.I like falling in love.I like the thesaurus than dictionary.I like rain.I like getting wet in rain.I love rain.I hate working without interest.I like freedom in my own terms.I like long walks.I like talking spiritual with dad.I like people trusting me.I like trusting people.I like having crushes.I like being in short term commitments.i like quick shopping.I like fresh air gushing onto me.I like speed.I like split second decisions.I like shilly-shally mood swings.I like being spontaneous.I like being humorous.I like laughing at my own jokes.I like smiling with no reason.I like to cry on someone's shoulder.I like saying "can't we still be friends?" after a breakup.I like my friends.I like music.I like getting stranded in a lonesome place with a chosen friend.I like to dance when no one's around.I dance to loud music in my studio.I like to sing in the shower.I like being noticed, not for looks.I believe in my dreams.I like day dreaming.I like fall more than spring.I like spring more than summer.I like summer the least.I like tea.I like beating around bushes.I like consoling and counseling.I like having cheap desires.I like lil things of life.I like night.I like darkness.I like the moon.and like lying on the terrace and gazing stars.I like to cry occasionally.I like my eyes.I like expressive eyes.I like songs with good lyrics but tune matters too.I like sharing secrets.I like stripes.I like circles.I like retro (except for the psychedelic shades).I like flip-flops.I like my mobile.I like computers.I like Photoshop.I like the internet.I like sweet people.I like art of any kind.I like blogging.I like English.I like English music.I like melody.I like melancholy.I like the guitar.I like French…I like spicy life.I like the word like.I love the word love.I like to say love in place of all likes.I like saying I love you.I like hearing someone saying I love you… like talking about death,but I'm no sadist.I like jumping around.I like sleeping.I like taking charge.I like being lonely with music.I like going out with friends.I like partying.I like being with people who like being with me.I like being loud.I like waling on sea shore.I like collecting wrappers…I like nature…I like soft toys.I like surprises.I like gifts.I like Christmas.I like colors.I like writing this way.I like my grandma's rasam.I like talking to plants.

I believe lil pleasures are often the greatest happiness.I love kids.I love my dad.I believe in reincarnation.I believe a peck n hug can heal anything.

I don’t like to throw away stuffs after use.I don’t like to keep secrets of myself.I hate sad faces.I hate marriage.I hate breaking hearts but do it.I hate being ignored.I hate being concerned about beauty.I hate pink.I don't understand sarcasm.I hate it when I lose the keys.I hate being taken for granted.I hate male chauvinist.I hate waking up early.I hate being a bookworm.I hate biographies.I hate non fiction.I hate being shackled.I hate pessimism.I hate breaching trust.I hate racists.I hate hypocrites.I hate drama queens.

To be added….


Its Jagannathan’s class now… on technical studies... and we are watching videos “modern marvels...” This current video is on the evolution of how... a computer was born... I’m drowsy and needed a siesta... so I just curled down the handle of my plastic chair… cloaking myself behind kamal’s back…. Thoughts just glided on my mind... a slideshow of the timeline... of my life… and computers…
I remember... when I was quite young... well... like about in my 4th or 5th class.... Mom had this course organized by school on computers at CSC, a famous chain of computer tutors in Coimbatore as well as in Tamilnadu... (I never liked them :|)
well, coming back to the story, I had gone there with mom... one day...and I saw these kids of my age... from a bit more of posh family I guess, learning computers... they were drawing some lines in black on a white page with a mechanical device which they held on their hand.. It was strange... yet amusing to my young mind... I wondered what it was... and asked them and the tutor said they are learning "paint" I was like what on earth is that...?? Since then… my young mind had an interest on learning that “box full of fun”.

Once when I went to my dad’s office, a nice college of my dad spoke to me with all care n affection... he offered me a picture of my choice from his computer onto my hand... I chose a dancing peacock…And voila, a half A4 sized photograph of my favorite picture in my hand in just a matter of a few minutes. I still have that picture in my diary of chocolate wrappers and birthdates. Whenever dad used to call me there was this sound of the inkjets behind his back… I used to wonder if I was really awake…
The first time dad took me to the browsing centre with him, I was just made to sit next to him... on the extra stool provided….I used to find it so boring... but still hesitated to express him the fact... I also wanted to use a PC… even I want to search on the net...those were what ran in my head’s LCD screen...
Once… I went with him... go knows what had he felt... he had booked for two cabins in place of one... and obviously it was me in the second… and well… what more would I do.. I drew a Hill in brown with green vegetation over it in paint… for about 30-40 minutes. There was this sense of Creative ability in me…my first ever digital Art!!!
JComputers being my utter love at this age… I used to love it more than anything…I craved for it, dreamt it... and at last... Got it too…
My uncle gifted one of his used computers when I was in my 9th standard…. Only I and the friends around me during the painting workshop know how bouncy I got on that day… My father didn’t really allow me to use it much…. He feared I might spoil it... as I don’t really know how to handle it and also a slight fear of the “viruses”… This added my curiosity to use it even more…. It started a craving for using the computer… dad created my online identity for the first time now… the first yahoo of mine... which doesn’t exist anymore now…

And that being my first ever computer in life… I started learning to use the internet…went with friends to browsing centers, created new ids…. Searched a lot... did a lot…. And still doing a lot… Internets’ taught me a lot… cheated me a lot…made me into something I never thought I could be… never wanted to be… and also a lot of me which I am proud of now…
It made me a blogger…made me more productive, creative…fast paced… and yet... let me be myself… Thanks PC…I’d have been here without you... but... not this happy…!!!

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there,
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference !

-- Robert Frost (1874–1963)



well... this was always one poem i applied onto my life...the one i learnt in my standard 10 but realized now...

Somewhere deep in me...i might still yearn to have taken the trodden path... but when it is the question of "would i have been happier that way?" yeah sure i would have... but "would i have learnt so much then... ??", "would my life be a bit more meaningful now than before?", "do i know myself more now.. than before?"... the bitter truth is yes... and i'm happy i am here...!!!

In my case....

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere two and a half year hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference !

I dont give a shit to people who mock at me now....cause I'm msel cause these thorns taught me to be that way.. which their tar layered roads seize from them..... :)

What the hell is freedom..
or perhaps what the "heaven" is it?

Freedom ain't being totally free,
When you get lost in the crowd...
Freedom ain't separation of the thread off the kite....
To get lost in the currents of the wind..
sometimes, It feels better to be restricted..
Wasn't the Kite much free with the thread tied on???

I was working in the workshop..
when i saw these golden bugs
a cute lil family
the mother trying had to get out of the sealed window
with he kids on its edge trying their level best with their
immature body.. undefined.

the mom just tries climbing up...
through the window just opened
falls...
and in 5 more minutes..
the family moved.. or migrated.

I'm still on the trail of self discovery... But for now.. i could manage saying these...


Grown up to be a brat.... The realization of self, vitally plays a part in the life of a mere, just self-realized, fallen angel,.... making her.... live her life.... with lots of hurdles.... "girna zyaada.. kam samhalna..!!... and so the brutishness is turned to be a bit..... "girly".
I never mean.. I'm sad.. I never can...... & I just can't control my giggle
In brief:
Sensitive, Ex-cry baby, complicated, love bug, optimistic, nonchalant, bug, Dreamy, talkative chatterbox, kind, vulnerable, bouncy, flick, mix-masala, lucky, choosy, trusty, spiritual, literate, caring, philosophical, detached from emotions to an extent...... and so on....

None knows about anyone.... they just understand the latter's behavior patterns....In other words.. accept them for what they are....Thats where you be yourself....Not judging.. but accepting me.. for what I am..!!!!!!!


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R A J A S H R E E there's nothing wrong with my name. If you think you know me, read my blog and think again.. Cause there ain't any person who knows me.. or perhaps i never let it out... And i believe.. no one knows you more that yourself.. all they can do is.. to understand you...!!! I'm imperfect and I'm Lovin' It. I'm the only witness and the only person who can judge my life... I don't mind you judging me.. but keep the verdict for yourself..!!! This is my blog so Click [X] on top... if you hate it...


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The numb legs.. reach the gravity prone floor of the cold house.. with lots of strain... voices of morning chants echoing down her lobes...she sits upright.. perhaps a bit inclined... turns around.. sees the live alarm..waking her with the soft scream, (Moms have this habit of saving the kid from the disciplinarian Dads)..... never tactile.. Orthodox cultures... feels the cozy bed...reaches for the pillow on the other end... places her head onto the softer side...
and here she goes back to her dreams of the whimsical...and yet the painful regrets.. lucidly dreaming... and back to the wonderful world where it is always what she decides...
Thats me..!!!
well.... whatever you understand...!!!



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Think you know me??

Think again... and if you're sure... go ahead... else... Back off!!



I'm just a Mere BIG Bug, that you could never ever had imagin'd of...never met...never heard...
Ok now m fed up of the terminology Bug..!!!
This is Rajashree.. a.k.a Raj..a not so typical teenage gurl.. from an orthodox family.... sometimes seems I'm not a part of it though!!!
I'm basically..... A swinger in moods..( some say otherwise too.. :P )...Can't stay angry or cry for more than quarter to an hour in average....But manages to giggle and keep smiling, for god knows why, 24x7... anger at the tip of the blunt nose... makin it sharper...but cud be jus chill'd like da process of pasteurization... :P
Its just a Hot mixture with sugar...what you take matters...!!!

Don't adjectify me... Find me weird?!?!....Break it straight... I don't act and so i want ORIGINALITY.....Life's a stage.. yeah i agree...We are actors....True... But act.....Just don't over (re)act..!!!! Puhleez...!!

Some great person said.... Life's too short to be someone else... so Be Yourself..!!!!

I'm just what i am... a tomboy.... a non-gurlie gurl dogie....a flypflop chatterbox... a bug.... and so on,... I jus don't care.... Cuz i know It jus dusn' make a difference.....Weirdo...!?!?!

Perhaps.. Uniqueness is also weird... But I just don't say I stand out of crowd.... Its that I'm Unique JUST LIKE OTHERS..!!!

Viola.....That's me in a few words.. oops that's few for me.....
summariz'd... Just another square peg which is now fed up of trying to fit into a round hole and is standing steady on its base..!!!

After wasting precious hours of cry... missing wonderful moments of cheer.... Thinkin of all crap and shit that dwell'd in the past...straining so much for vain... I'm tired of being what you want me to be... so now take me as I'm...

I appreciate your patience and adventure... Thanks for reading my blurbs.. Hope it was of no use as usual... :P



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My Blurb: I'm myself...[:)].......
my life echoes..the sounds of those few i admire the most...my father, my mom..and that holy spirit they're all backed bywithin themselves..and also...myself...within me..I'm everything i wanted to be...My dreams...are what i believe in the most....I'm totally in content with my life..the way it went..the way it goes..and i'm sure...the way it will be too....[:)]i want nothing more...i don't wanna lack any neither...
don't add unless or until you know me...!!



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You think... You expect.. you dream.. you search...
all for some one to care for you, to show you unconditional love,...

you are ready to wait the whole life..
For the one who tells you.."i trust you"

Some one who holds your hand, someone who cuddles you, whose clothes absorb your tear as you bury yourself into their shoulders.

The one who you can share the most weirdest of your whims, the most smallest of your faces, the stupidest question, the deadliest fear..

Some who can tell you what would be the words from your mouth for the next sentence... someone you know is there.. everywhere... no where.. else where... but makes you feel their presence every moment you miss...

Someone who speaks optimistic of you,..pessimistic of your foe, doesn't care what you say as a matter of fact.. you slap them and turn back... get ready for a hug from them..!!!!


well..... TRUE??
if the answer is yeah.. and if you had a smile...
i'm sorry.. you expect too much...
Cause... if you want the above... I'd be the last person in the world who you have to look up to..!!!!


Strangers... please search for yourself.. the SAFEST WAY OUT!!!!